Portfolio Adjustment

Do you remember those wonderful days when companies would "close" part of their business or "fire" people they didn't want working for them? I've heard this term more than once now and I just couldn't believe my ears. By the way, the first time I heard it, it came out of the lips of a human resources person. Oh, my gawd! It was something along the lines of: "We are moving forward with a Portfolio Adjustment in the south." What this really meant was that they were permanently closing a manufacturing facility that would put nearly 300 people out of work.

It sure seems to me that the corporate world has gone to great lengths to dehumanize. We used to terminate, lay off or fire and now we're more likely to "reduced our productivity climate." This is much easier to live with. You'd hate to have people pulling down millions a year losing sleep over such trivial things as feeding one's family. Hey, if you don't say it, you don't feel it.


So, now defined for pleasuring your senses: Portfolio Adjustment: Reduction of a company’s greatest and “most valued” resource (people); a change which equally destroys everyone in the name of stockholder profits - stated in terms that create a blissful state of emotional detachment. Just warms that cackles of your heart, doesn't it? What a wonderful gift for the most recently displaced.

Statistics are our Friends

How are decisions made in a business? That certainly is determined by a number of things; size of the business being one - who does it answer to? A driving decision maker can be statistics and how they are compiled. This leads me blissfully into my next subject matter in redefining work. That would be statistical analysis. Now wait a minute, don't change the channel yet. I'm sure its much more fun than you think - okay, probably not. It can be a leading factor that paves the way for seagull management - so let's just make fun of it then.

With the right set of skills, we can take a set of statistics and make whatever point we want. Is it any surprise then that upper management is sometimes shocked when finding out what is really happening behind the scenes? No way, Jose. But, to believe the load of crap set before them, the leadership group must have spent most of their time multitasking or rearranging their offices with fine products from Work Redefined, because they certainly weren't paying close attention to the real world.

I've heard that one too many brainstorming sessions can take a permanent toll by extracting that one tiny portion of the human brain that is actually used for logical humanity.

To be totally fair (yeah, right), it is pretty difficult to put statistics into a form that can be understood without tainting them in any manner. Therefore I have decided that this is a real good rule of thumb. As it says on the shirt, "90% of analysis of statistics shows that 65% of all results are within a 75% range of accuracy at least 80% of the time." Now, if that doesn't clear it up, I just don't know what can. Buy me now on Cafe Press and save me from the corporate world.

Buzzword Bingo

Need something to do while the meeting's going on? What about when a call is going on and you have it on mute? You do have it on mute, right? Okay, even if you don't have it on mute you can play. You can play while sitting in a presentation, just make sure not to stand up and yell "bingo" or you'll give it all way.

So, here are some of the terms I used, I'm sure they're some of your favorites. "Downsize" is always a party favorite. Ooooo, how about "Open Door Policy?" Another party picker-upper.

If the game doesn't work for you, try saying a sentence with as many of the terms as you can. Well folks, first we're going to audit your realignment with the current stakeholders to see if we can establish synergy in a cohesive, team building, innovative business plan while streamlining and sharing best practices into our global portfolio. Do I know what that means? I'm really thinking that is the point. Dang, I really sounded like I knew what I was talking about. Buzzword Bingo is a great place to kick off the fun wile away the hours instead of doing something that really needs to be getting done.

Corporate Help

My thoughts around corporate phrases and how this relates and doesn't relate to the real world is really driven by those little things you hear when meeting with a group "of your own kind." When the managers or executives gather, you understand that most of them really are aware of how they come off around people that report to them - yes, those little people. But in the same breath, they just can't stop. I would never tire of hearing people say how they were just here to help. But it was like, help in one hand and an extremely large hammer in the other. It sure always felt like help or die to me. So the phrase was born, "I'm from Corporate and I'm here to help."

So, say it with subtlety or scream it from the mountain tops. Make an event out of it. I've got the "Corporate Help - Event Staff" shirts, hats and buttons or the "I'm from Corporate and I'm here to help - Event Staff", a lot of variations on the theme. Personally, I kind of like it understated. Some people get it and others don't see it at all. It's fun to watch the reactions. As always, find these and other options here - http://www.cafepress.com/workredefined.