Welcome to my jaded world of work, office and the corporate world. Having spent the past 16 years working in manufacturing for a large company, I worked my way up through the ranks to the "semi-executive" plateau where the grass is not really greener (okay, the money is), but just has a whole bunch of weird shades. Everyone talks differently and eventually you get sucked into the world of Corporate-speak and think. Well, "Work Redefined" is my outlet.I find myself sitting on conference calls or in meetings and can't help but turn terms and phrases into something much more entertaining; entertaining for myself and hopefully for others who have the same reservations and/or disgust for what they hear on a daily basis. It kind of resembles thoughts from Dilbert and The Office, but my own personal twist.Yes, I'm part of the evil, but I keep pushing against it in an effort to not become fully absorbed in it all. I've put some of my thoughts on shirts, hats and things that you can see on Cafe Press under Work Redefined. I'll post some of the tantalizing tidbits on my blog for your pleasure, pain or entertainment.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Portfolio Adjustment

Do you remember those wonderful days when companies would "close" part of their business or "fire" people they didn't want working for them? I've heard this term more than once now and I just couldn't believe my ears. By the way, the first time I heard it, it came out of the lips of a human resources person. Oh, my gawd! It was something along the lines of: "We are moving forward with a Portfolio Adjustment in the south." What this really meant was that they were permanently closing a manufacturing facility that would put nearly 300 people out of work.

It sure seems to me that the corporate world has gone to great lengths to dehumanize. We used to terminate, lay off or fire and now we're more likely to "reduced our productivity climate." This is much easier to live with. You'd hate to have people pulling down millions a year losing sleep over such trivial things as feeding one's family. Hey, if you don't say it, you don't feel it.

So, now defined for pleasuring your senses: Portfolio Adjustment: Reduction of a company’s greatest and “most valued” resource (people); a change which equally destroys everyone in the name of stockholder profits - stated in terms that create a blissful state of emotional detachment. Just warms that cackles of your heart, doesn't it? What a wonderful gift for the most recently displaced.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Statistics are our Friends

How are decisions made in a business? That certainly is determined by a number of things; size of the business being one - who does it answer to? A driving decision maker can be statistics and how they are compiled. This leads me blissfully into my next subject matter in redefining work. That would be statistical analysis. Now wait a minute, don't change the channel yet. I'm sure its much more fun than you think - okay, probably not. It can be a leading factor that paves the way for seagull management - so let's just make fun of it then.

With the right set of skills, we can take a set of statistics and make whatever point we want. Is it any surprise then that upper management is sometimes shocked when finding out what is really happening behind the scenes? No way, Jose. But, to believe the load of crap set before them, the leadership group must have spent most of their time multitasking or rearranging their offices with fine products from Work Redefined, because they certainly weren't paying close attention to the real world.

I've heard that one too many brainstorming sessions can take a permanent toll by extracting that one tiny portion of the human brain that is actually used for logical humanity.

To be totally fair (yeah, right), it is pretty difficult to put statistics into a form that can be understood without tainting them in any manner. Therefore I have decided that this is a real good rule of thumb. As it says on the shirt, "90% of analysis of statistics shows that 65% of all results are within a 75% range of accuracy at least 80% of the time." Now, if that doesn't clear it up, I just don't know what can. Buy me now on Cafe Press and save me from the corporate world.